Wow...I have real problems accepting change when it comes as a result of an outcome I had not previously considered...
Such is the situation I now find myself in: abandoning an original course of action in favor of an alternative I was convinced I'd never be presented with.
Am I happy about this? It's been two weeks since the offer was made and I am as uncertain about my decision as I was two weeks ago...
Everyone has something to say--something they want me to consider, a point of view they need me to take into account...
I'm not happy...I haven't been happy for a while...maybe a decade--and even then the feeling of happiness only lasted maybe a few days...sporadically placed in the span of three years...
What do you do when nothing gives you a sense of pleasure? Is this considered depression? I dunno...I've been depressed before--but I don't feel as though I'm sinking in quicksand...I feel as though I'm being held back...by inner and outer forces.
I am so bloody tired of not feeling inspired by what I'm doing!!!!!! I'm starting to doubt I will ever feel inspired again--and blaming myself for feeling this way.
I'm getting told to "grow up", that I'm 35 this year and at some point I'm going to have to find direction in life and settle down...settle down to what???? Why are people who puport themselves to be my friends telling me to give up on what I've dreamed my whole life of achieving? Why do I feel like the last ten years of my life have been viewed by many people in my life as wasted time??
What the fuck ever happened to encouraging loved ones to persue happiness and never give up on themselves?! I do that for them, why can't they repay the favor?
Someone very close to me once said: "life is the search for a place to belong" -- they never said if finding it was the ultimate outcome...I don't know where I belong...I don't feel like I belong here--I feel like I'm treading water or running in place, but not getting even an inch away in a forward motion...how long am I supposed to endure this feeling for?
Yes, finally I have been offered a full time permanent accommodation--a day shift that people with 27 years seniority are still dreaming about while they stand by a machine at 3:30am. People with kids, mortagages, cars, and spouses they barely see or have much use for anymore...
How do I know if staying here is the right decision for me? I don't hear my heart saying anything to me...as though it's giving me the silent treatment for treating it so badly for so long...
My parents are completely devoid of empathy for my situation...they prefer instead to drill into my head that I have to think about my responsibilities and maybe getting my own place here and having my things and my cats with me is the best solution...why then do I not feel confident in that suggestion? The last thing I want to do is go through the process of packing my crap up and driving my cats back to
O-town...what's wrong with that though? I can still get my degree...it would just take longer than 16 months...it would take closer to 32...
I'm so tired of wasting time...granted I remember that the last two years I did everything I could to not waste time -- I wrote, I created, I travelled, I learned how to stand up for myself, I nursed myself back to reasonable health...but did I get a degree for doing all that? Did I receive any kind of reward for demonstrating the indomitable spirit of humanity? No. And apparently because my situation has now changed I may get no satisfaction in seeing my oppressors get what's coming to them.
Even my ex is telling me to be reasonable in my expectations...I've been rubbing pennies together for so long, I forget what it feels like to not have that worry...
I've asked for signs...I was given a resounding "hold off they hand" with this new development (even tried canceling my cellphone and got pressured into keeping it) -- but what the hell to I have here besides a job that I've had to walk through hell to get?? I'm homesick, lonely, unsure of even myself let alone what I want...and life in general seems to be falling apart.
There's an election looming...my union is poised to go on strike at the end of next month...
Theatre in this city is no longer something that inspires me...it irks me...everytime I think about it I either wanna punch the wall or recite every speech in Hamlet as a way to express my dissatisfaction with the whole scene...I haven't worked as an actor in over almost a year...my soul has shrivelled up...I can't even tell where it is anymore.
Will this feeling of emptiness ever go away? Stay or go, I will still have to live with myself...
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