Hamlet 2011...Ottawa Shakespeare Production...aka: Hamlet dies in Calvin Kleins

Okay first I should start off by saying I love Shakespeare and Hamlet is my favorite play...confessing this information may make the following critic of the show biased or too demanding...however my hope is that I will enlighten some people into understanding why I felt the way I did about this particular production.

Picture it...sunny, cool, Saturday afternoon in suburban Ottawa...I got a good deal on a theatre ticket to see Hamlet 2011--I modern adaptation of Shakespeare's famous and beloved play.  I dare say everyone has heard of it and can probably recite some part of it...

I went to the show to see the play...yes, I brought a notebook and a pen...but I hadn't totally committed to taking notes...and when I discovered that "general seating" meant the first two rows infront of the stage, I figured I probably shouldn't as it might distract the actors...so I sat six seats in from stage left and eagerly awaited the house lights to fade.

Fade they did...

Then the McFarlandesque banners of cloth came shooting down, the fog machines got kicked into high gear and the actors slowly filtered their way onto the stage literally like zombies on a walk through town...fine, I kinda get that image for the play...

Opening scene is the end of the play...Horatio explains the events leading up to what we are witnessing will be explained in the play...

At this point I'm still not taking notes...

Then all the actors leave in blackout and the "tale of woe" begins...

So the play officially opens about three pages or so into the play...with Horation, Marcellus and Bernado (or Bernadette as he was played by a she)

At this point I have a few beefs to point out:

1. If you are going to cast a woman in a man's role, do it tastefully...with this, she was dressed similar to Marcellus but with a pony tail under her cap and she answered like a butch woman in a dark club...granted she was maybe 17...but also, Horatio refers to her and Marcellus as "gentlemen"--you can't tell me this couldn't have been edited as there were several liberties taken with the text..."dead letter perfect" was not to soup de jour...but in some ways I don't really blame the actors...

2. I have to wonder if McFarland and his actors actually took the context of the play into consideration...there was very little mention of it in the play---the fact that Denmark is on the brink of war and has just come out of one with Norway...everyone is on guard (or are supposed to be)...I felt that the behaviour of the guards (Marcellus and Bernardo) were a little "whimpy"...they were scared of the ghost...unable to act rationally...sure the characters are scared, but they take their job seriously and would rather stay and fight than run...my money would have been on them running if push came to shove in this production...

Suddenly the Ghost of Hamlet appears (played by Claudius)...he's in the upper balcony area, roaming through the catwalk aisles...covered in cobwebs, dressed in a winter overcoat and wearing a "flesh covered" mask...I don't know why...Marcellus was extremely loud (strong presence and would probably be great at Othello in a few years and more classes) and a little too controlling of his words (Horatio would speak, and either Marcellus would anticipate the line and jump in too soon with his, or would hesitate a split second and cause a skip in the fluidity of the pentameter)...

Here I have to say that I found Horatio to be "off voice"--too controlled by his nervous excitement so that his voice rose about an octave and he was all but hysterical in saying his lines...a deep breath into his stomach using the back of his lungs would have helped bring him back to centre--every actor knows this if they took Voice class...Directors know it too.

Believe it or not I haven't taken any notes yet.

Next scene is the "wedding reception"...
Where we catch our first glimpse of Hamlet...who is frantically focused on his blackberry for some unknown reason (distraction? Maybe but no knowledge of what he's doing--texting someone, who? writing something, what?)...a woman in the balcony dressed in period costume is singing "When I fall in Love"...Gross but hey, it's not my wedding...all the attendees are nicely dressed but I really couldn't understand why they were there except to fill the space...Hamlet at one point plops himself down in the middle of the stage crossed legged like a spoilt little child and everyone just kind of ignores him...then Claudius and Gertrude enter...fine, great, good.

"Seems, madam! nay it is; I know not 'seems.'
'Tis not alone my inky cloak, good mother,
Nor customary suits of solemn black,
Nor windy suspiration of forced breath,
No, nor the fruitful river in the eye,
Nor the dejected 'havior of the visage,
Together with all forms, moods, shapes of grief,
That can denote me truly: these indeed seem,
For they are actions that a man might play:
But I have that within which passeth show;
These but the trappings and the suits of woe."


 -- this section of Hamlet I always took to be sarcastic---like biting, dry, almost revealing too much truth about Hamlet's disatisfaction at her wedding and choice of husband so closely following the death of his father whom he's still grieving after (I guess he really loved him...wonder how Hamlet Senior felt about Hamlet--you don't find out in this production because it seems as though all the emotion and loyalty was taken out of it)...for some reason the passage was directed like a weepy drip of a young man in the midst of a temper tantrum, not a highly intellectual yet severely depressed heir to the throne...

1. How old is Hamlet?  16, 20, 22?  He's actually 34, 35--and this is proved by what the Grave digger says about Yorick...but I didn't get this tidbit of information from this production either because that part was cut out or because it was delivered unimportantly...

Now Hamlet directs the above passage to his mother who he isn't happy with at this moment...what I had a problem with is: Does Gertrude have any guilt or discomfort for having married so soon after her first husband (whom she dearly loved) died?  At first I thought "maybe McFarland is doing the -- Gertrude and Claudius were having an affair before Claudius decided to kill Hamlet Senior"...but this was not the case--it's just that Gertrude had no opinion...like it was a natural course of action to take: "when your husband dies, you marry his brother within less than a month of his death..."  Sarah Botsford is a strong actress...capable at playing this part and possessing the range of emotion and intellect to do a fine job of it...which is why it makes me wonder just how much of the "acting issues" are a result of the direction (or lack thereof) they were given...

Then Claudius has a few words with Hamlet...actually a lot of them...but what I found really weird was:

Claudius was too nice...genuinely nice...like I saw no reason why Hamlet should have a problem with him...it was as though there was no reason for Hamlet to be so upset...which I guess should be the whole dynamic of the wedding reception scene, but not seeing any hint of the recent events they speak about (Hamlet senior's death, the recent remarriage) it was as though either expected or no big deal....

This was another issue I had: Hamlet is the Prince of Denmark...not Ritchie Rich...to me having the play set in modern times took the "status" of the characters out-of-context...it lost the sense of "nobility" and replaced it with the sense of "priviledge"...if you allow the audience to forget that regicide was performed and that the future of Denmark is at stake (lest we forget Fortinbras and his army) than the sense of urgency is killed and the play lacks intensity--which it did in this production...Fortinbras in fact is never mentioned (that I recall)

Now to the first of Hamlet's sililoquey's...


"O, that this too too solid flesh would melt
Thaw and resolve itself into a dew!"

I don't know why this wasn't curbed in the rehearsal process but Hamlet never stops moving during his silioquey's and I found it hugely distracting...and I thought he lost intensity because he wasn't grounded...yes, I know Hamlet is upset but...I couldn't grasp how upset because his emotions were either forced, hysterical, or disjointed...in this silioquey the audience should understand the depth of his melancholy and feel the rage in his heart--not to mention sympathize with him a little at the situation.

Sure he was upset, but again it was as though Hamlet were 16 unable to steer away from uncontrollable wailing--which was my perception...again, something a director could have worked with (change tactics, control the emotion don't let it control you, etc...)

There were no peaks and valleys to his words...yes the lines were said correctly, but the words spoken were not heard by the speaker, the thoughts evoked were not felt by the speaker...

Then comes the infamous "Laertes speaks to Ophelia and Polonius speaks to Laertes" scene...
My first impression of Ophelia was: she's 13...with earbuds in her ears, listening to music no care in the world...then Laertes warns her about Hamlet...she's like "yeah, no big deal"...they have a cutsy little chase 'round some chairs which was weird...then Polonius comes in and does his father farewell bit---with the kids mocking his famous speech--funny, yes...I chuckled but only because it was a cheap way to get laughs...the set up was insulting and unnecessary, I thought...

After this scene, I started taking notes...

Next scene was when Hamlet sees the ghost of his father for the first time...he rushes (and so do the other actors) through his lines, getting caught up in the "shock and awe" of seeing his dead father in ghost form...(the prayer which is a real one, was not taken as a prayer but more as a gesture) the ghost for his part, never did much but wander along the balcony moving his hand at Hamlet...no sense of recognition except for a slight hesitation in step...no love, no sign of commanding him to follow...Hamlet also had no means to stop his friends from preventing him from following the ghost--the audience isn't stupid, but it's as though we were made to "pretend that Hamlet is threatening his friends to let him go"...

1. The ghost had very little precense...as though the mask stole it for the actor...if the light and the actors hadn't pointed him out, I would never have seen him.

When Hamlet encounters the ghost and it speaks, the ghost never speaks directly to Hamlet...he either has his back turned to him, or is in profile to him...and I'm not sure why this was...

"Oh my prophetic soul"...didn't get the depth of that line and it's a pretty good line for Hamlet...

Another thing I had a problem with in this scene was that the ghost really didn't seem to have much to say of interest...at least that was how I heard the lines...his soul's been ravaged in hell, he's in misery...he can't describe what he endures except to say "O, horrible, O, horrible, most horrible"...said correctly that's enough to scare the crap outta me...but in this production, it was sped over for a reason I don't understand...and then the ghost decides he better go and off he does...weird...very weird...

The speech where Hamlet says he'll put on an "antic disposition"---it was played for laughs...which is different than playing the comedy...which I found a pattern in this production...

So Hamlet gets into "character" in the next scene by frantically taking his clothes off while rock music plays loudly overhead...wouldn't you know, he's wearing bright white CK briefs...

1. I have a seriously problem with wearing white underwear on stage...why couldn't they be navy blue or something not so stark and distracting...the play is not about Hamlet in his underwear, or his sexuality...yes they appeared to be nice underwear, but not necessary to the story...

Wouldn't you know, Ophelia interrupts him, and what does he do?  Just looks at her and backs up out of the room...staring at her...weird...very weird...(not madness weird...more like serial killer weird)...

So then Polonius finds out and has a talk with Claudius and Gertrude...

In this production:
1. Polonius is not dottering enough...he's too smart for his own good...
2. Ophelia is not submissive to her father (the world in general), but rather she is innocent...not the same thing...and one is a stronger character choice than the other...
3. The servants were dressed in white tops, black bottoms---like Howard Johnson servers

Enter Rozencrantz and Guildenstern (next scene)

Gertrude had two glasses of "whatever" in the span of about five minutes...I thought "OK maybe she's a drinker in this show"...nope...she was just thirsty I guess...

Gertrude's Line: "more meaning and less art" was a throw away when it was chalk full of comedy...

Also during this scene, Gertrude expresses her thoughts that Hamlet is upset because of their marriage, etc...does not hint at any guilt on her part...does she even have an opinion about her marriage to Claudius?  Why didn't they wait?  Does she have feelings or is she like Lady M?  I dunno, but she's the closest to a Stepford wife I've seen in a long time, and I don't know that that was intentional.

So we get to the next scene where Ophelia helps to "trap" Hamlet by giving him back his gestures of affection...I was hoping this would be intense...it was not...

But first "To be or not to be, that is the question"...dressed as a SK8RBOY...Hamlet is how old???  Would not have believed his was university educated, nor heir to the throne of Denmark.
He speaks in the audience, to the audience(?) about suicide...I saw no hint of Hamlet seriously comtemplating his own mortality and the taking of it...none whatsoever...and that's a little insulting...the sense of the speech was totally lost and the need to care what was being contemplated was non-existent...Mr. Director, were you asleep during the rehearsal process?????????

Enter Ophelia

1. "Orisons" what is the proper pronunciation?  Is it: "Or-I-zons" or "Or-EE-sons"...

Moving on, Ophelia holds out a gift given to her by Hamlet.

"Well, well, well"--would have helped Hamlet to have said these lines to convey his shock, disappointment, and suspicion at Ophelia's sudden desire to redeliver his token of love...instead they were said blankly...then somehow he ends up pining her on the ground and straddling her, and yelling at her about being a bitch---okay so, Hamlet doesn't have any love for Ophelia?

1. Madness doesn't mean, the person is angry all the time...it also doesn't mean the person is contantly whiny, weepy, or prone to outbursts...it can sometimes but it's not everytime the mood hits him...and the running around the stage...I am still boggled by that--madness does not mean aimless fits of running for no reason.

Hamlet's line to Ophelia: "that suck'd the honey of his music vows" -- great line, 10 pts...but in this production, the line was bulldozed for some reason...still wondering why and how it happened...perhaps not enough emphasis on the words and their emotional value...

And Ophelia...she's freaked but isn't crushed by his attitude, or by her father's insistence that she play a part in his deception against him which Hamlet may or may not have discovered in this scene (not clear in this production)...she's innocent yes, but controlled by everyone in her life (brother, father, king/queen)

1. Too much exposition in this production...by all characters...not enough invested in the lines, in the relationships or in the stakes involved...energy was flatlined.

Now come the Players...
Hamlet explains his acting preferences to the Player King---in a gaudy smoking jacket/bathrobe, in bare feet....WHY?????? Because it conveys "madness"?  Maybe if we're going for the cliche...

Then Hamlet address his friend Horatio...and ends up kissing him on the mouth...I could see it maybe if the speech proceeding the kiss was an intense eruption that led to the kiss (a natural progression) however this was as though they had a mark to hit and it came at the end of the speech...not out of the plays circumstances...BOO Hiss...

Horatio yes is shocked...but Hamlet never acknowledges it happens ever again (even when he dies in his arms)

The play "the Mousetrap" is performed as a Farce (exaggerated movements and speech)...but the players are "tragedians" or "tra--gee-dee-ans" as was the pronunciation used...

The "Lady, shall I lie in your lap" lines are comic and saucy gold...but not in this production...they were spoken with spite and malice...I don't know why...and Ophelia reacted as though she were a bothered 14yr old...

The play goes off without a hitch until the plot is revealed at which point, Claudius gets visibly nauseated...up until now, there's been no hint of any discomfort with regard to his crime...and yet he's about to confess in a monologue he's riddled with guilt...weird...

So Claudius freaks and everyone leaves---what I found weird and unacceptable was that a few of the "minor" characters actually left ahead of Claudius/Gertrude...big no no if these two are the King and Queen of Denmark...but maybe they weren't in this production...

Next scene Claudius confesses to the audience his crime...he eventually falls to his knees and if that weren't bad enough, he goes into semi-child's pose with his ass in the air...so that Hamlet can aim his gun from the balcony at it...

I found the choice of putting Hamlet in the balcony a good thirty feet away form Claudius a weak choice compared to having him come up behind him with a bat or something else...immediate, intense, emotional, strong...Direction is yet again the weakest link.

Next scene "Hamlet, thou hast they father much offended"...my favorite scene in Hamlet...and one I did in college...again use of curtains flung down from the catwalk...

Believe it or not, it was blocked in a similar fashion to how my scene was in college (and weirder that McFarland directed a few shows there during my time)...however in this version, Hamlet ends up stratling Gertrude...sigh...

1. The killing of Polonius -- no sign of madness...only shock and adrenaline at having done it...it would have been nice to see Hamlet progressively being swallowed by madness as the play progresses to the end, as the body count piles up...however in this production the madness never builds or carries over...

"The counterfit presentment of two brothers"...still no sense of guilt from Gertrude...like her marriages were really no big deal...

The Ghost arrives (from under the curtain which Polonius was killed behind)...fairly effective "entrance" I must admit...however, his costume was so distracting...seriously distracting...who gets buried in a winter coat?  And where did he get the cobwebs from--he's only been dead two months!

Gertrude's line: "Where doth thou look" -- no where in this scene did I get the sense that Gertrude and Hamlet were mother and son...no motherly concern for her son's behaviour--looking at something which is not there...


"O, step between her and her fighting soul:
Conceit in weakest bodies strongest works:
Speak to her, Hamlet."

It would have been nice to have seen some kind of semblance that the Ghost and Gertrude were once in love with each other--and married...just because the ghost is dead, doesn't mean there couldn't be a bit of tenderness expressed (even with the face covered with a weird mask)...

"I must be cruel only to be kind"...said like a weepy teenager...looses the maturity and irony.

"I'll lug the guts"...yet another line said weepy...no deadpan, just pathetic...

Gertrude is left crying in a heap on the ground at the end of the scene...in the black out, she just gets up and slowly walks off stage...would not the stronger choice have been to stay in character and give yourself a reason to exit offstage?  Just because it's a blackout does not mean the audience can't see you or that the play isn't in session...

1. Hamlet actually infers that Hamlet Senior was murdered...but there was no hint of that discovery in Gertrude...as though she were impervious to guilt, or dread...

INTERMISSION--thoughts
1. Unneccessary Movement
2. Their definition of Madness?
3. Relationships -- where are they?
4. Where is the guilt?
5. Where is the love?
6. Why do all the men (in this production) act like cowards?
7. Why do all the women act like "mechanicals"?
8. Entrances/Exits have no purpose

At the top of the fourth act, Hamlet enters and I noticed again what I had noticed at the top of the show: Hamlet's hands...as though keeping time with the Pentameter, Hamlets hands twitched throughout his opening lines/speeches...

The whole "where is the body" scene was high energy...however I wonder why now Hamlet decided to act crazy or "mad" (wobbly feet, hoddy up, weird speech pattern, buggy eyes)...

This does not last past the end of the scene.

When Horatio tells Gertrude Ophelia wants to see her, Gertrude says she doesn't want to---WHY??? never got the answer to that...

Then Ophelia enters in her "mad" state...OMFG...Ophelia's performance from this point on, I do not put on the shoulders of the actress playing her...I blame the director entirely...

My notes on this are: "drunk American Idol contestant"...she was singing her lines alright...but in a contemporary song fashion, almost as though they were real songs (ala taylor smith or someone similar)...she was swaying and standing still for most of it (no visible movement of her feet I mean)...but never a hint that her "madness" was grounded in anything "real"...hence why I thought she was drunk or on something..."being mad is not like being high"...Ophelia mentions bits of things about her father...surely that would trigger her emotions...no...she would just start singing like Amy Winehouse or someone similar...at one point I thought I heard the tune of "killing me softly"...I would not have voted for her...

"He is dead and gone Lady, he is dead and gone" -- Ophelia laughs hysterically.

Near the end of the scene Ophelia says "my brother shall know of it"--then Ophelia again laughs hysterically...strong choices or weak choices?...they played weak in my viewing of it...

So Ophelia stumbles offstage laughing all the while...

Enter Laertes, fit to be tied.

Reenter Ophelia shortly thereafter with a handful of freshly picked (I mean freshly picked) fake flowers...

Now, depending you can read the text and think Ophelia really is handing everyone on stage "real flowers" or you can read it and think she is using objects to "represent" real flowers...it was really weird to see Ophelia handing everyone pretty flowers...and not understanding what it was she was saying to each of them...

Also it is not specified in the text to whom she is addressing as she hands out the "flowers" and their definitions...however what she says provides the player with clues...

"There's rosemary, that's for remembrance" -- maybe to Gertrude due to her guilt?

Ophelia's line: "They say he made a good end" -- easily could have injected a bit more intensity so the audience and those characters on stage could have felt the weight more intensely...

The rest of Ophelia's bit, if anyone has seen the scene in the show Slings and Arrows that is referred to as the "wrong way to play her" you will see a similarity (even down to the horrible tune used) in this production's performance--and again, I don't blame the actor--the director should have done something to fix it...

Horatio, who's been witness to all of this and was even given some flowers...does nothing...in this production I think he was supposed to be a closeted gay man...if so, I expected him to be more caring toward Ophelia...instead he was shy and just kept looking at her with puppy eyes...not effective, dude.

1. How long has Ophelia know all these characters? Gertrude, Claudius, Hamlet, Horatio...that's what I thought...

Next scene (well second next scene) Laertes and Claudius have decision on how to revenge Polonius' death and get rid of Hamlet...when asked how much Laertes loved his father and how badly he wants revenge, he responds with "to cut his throat in the church"...now granted in today's age, this isn't as big a deal as it was 500 years ago...back then that was blasphemy and not said lightly even when in a rage...so watching the actor in this production say it like he was saying "nice to meet you", it lost it's affect...

So then enters Gertrude to tell Laertes that Ophelia has "drowned"...

1. Where has Gertrude just come from?
2. How does she know all this information about how Ophelia died?  Does anyone buy that a guard relayed these "tragic events" to Gertrude, in this much detail???

This is what bothers me...it's a great monologue...but suspicious too...Gertrude knows an aweful lot, and because she is the one telling Laertes to his face that now his sister is dead (suicide, accident, murder?) you'd think there would be some deliberate stepping...nope...it was as though she were remembering her favorite scene from Steel Magnolias...

Laertes "tries not to cry"...every time the men in this production go to cry, it's painful to watch...their entire bodies tighten up, their chests become barrels, and their faces scrunch up into old man sour faces...seriously do they not teach proper vocal/movement technique in theatre programs anymore??? There is a reason for those classes!!!  Technique may not be for everyone, but there's gotta be something there to assist in the production of what is required by the play!!!

Now comes the Gravedigger scene...

I was disappointed by this scene...it's clear comic relief/genius and it was moderately successful in conveying this---nothing against the actors in this scene...they were/are competent...it just didn't go far enough to get some geniune laughter from the audience beyond the "haha, that's a joke" kind...

But I had a problem with a few things.

1. The "grave" was a sand box dead centre in front of the first row---I did not take notes during this scene as I was all but in the scene myself.
2. The skulls were concealed by a dome of soil -- two peaking out of the sand box.
3. Clown #1 had Yorick's skull in her knapsack...WTF???

This is supposed to give Hamlet another chance to contemplate his own morality/life in general...which it looked like he was going to do...however he invested nothing of himself in this scene (as in all the others)...as though none of this were about him and his own demons/issues...

1. Hamlet nor Horatio had any reaction but "oh wow" to the skull...it's a person's skull...the skull of a person they knew once in life...that's kinda creepy, isn't it?

(The intensity of this scene (as with all of them) was lacking and I think it had a little to do with the fact that none of the actors had any connection to any of the objects or people they were working with...)

So then comes the funeral procession...with Ophelia being carried on the shoulders of her "pall bearers" (nice touch)...except for a few things...

1. The priest was a woman...I get that it's a modern adaptation...however, this would have to be an "orthodox"-type church because the lines about suicide being wrong were kept--so in order for there to be a Christian burial there would have to be a visible arguement...not just any church would have a problem burying someone who may or may not have died by their own hand...
2. Ophelia was in a black body bag...that's friggin' offensive!

"I loved Ophelia!" -- did Hamlet???  From what I gathered in this production he didn't care about her at all...and even when he speaks these lines, I get no sense he means any of it other than "she was a nice girl and I feel bad that she died."

Again once this scene ends, Hamlet does not carry forward his multiple woes...he was played more as a "whiny playboy" than a "melancholy dane"...

Next scene Osric comes to tell Hamlet he is being challenged to a duel...

1. Why was Osric dressed as a clown? Complete with rainbow shirt and yellow tie--and a feather in his cap????

Horatio says the line: "You will lose this wager, my lord." -- sounds like he's worried about the safety of his friend, right?  Then why was the line unnoticeable???

Another line follows shortly thereafter: "If your mind dislike any thing, obey it: I will
forestall their repair hither, and say you are not fit."

They kissed in a previous scene, Horatio is being played like a closeted gay man...even if he wasn't it's okay for friends to be worried about friends...why didn't I get the sense of apprehension??? Because it wasn't there!

Now the end is near...Final scene--the duel...
After a few words about "forgiveness" which totally had no meaning to either the actors or to me, the sparrers assume the "en garde" position---only Laertes was NOT in en garde position!!!  It wouldn't matter so much if there hadn't been a big deal made about it in previous scenes about them both being accomplished fighters--but it was!  Proper stance is essential--I had to take an entire year of stage combat and that was drilled into me!!! Unacceptable!!!

By this point I was giving up on taking notes so I only have a few more (I swear!)

Gertrude goes to drink the cup that Claudius has poisoned...Claudius (no hiding anything) screams at her not to drink...she does anyway...Claudius turns away to say his line: "It is the poison'd cup: it is too late."  He doesn't face his wife as she drinks the cup...just because this line is noted as an "aside", does not mean the actor has to turn away to say it!!!

1. To me this solidified in my mind that Claudius was a complete coward and that if he had actually killed his brother, he either hired someone to do it OR had done it accidently...think about it: it's creepy to think he might "get off" on watching people die...by his hand...

Then Gertrude dies (surprise), Claudius is found out as having poisoned the cup and what happens?...he opens his hands up and lets Hamlet run him through...totally anti-climatical...

Claudius is supposed to be a conniving, manipulating, ambitious man...surely he could have tried to avoid being killed...maybe just a little...

1. This version of the play was toted as a bloody version a little like the "Saw" movies...this was nothing like a "Saw" movies...there was very little blood (if you could call the red marks on the shirts blood)...disappointed in the gore department

Finally, Hamlet dies in the arms of Horatio after wandering halfway across the stage (not to be by his mother, not to say goodbye to anyone in particular...just to get his lines out)...there's no progression of dying with Hamlet (loosing of faculties--sight, hearing)...and the way Horatio is cradling him and "trying not to cry" (gross!) what peeks through visibly beneath his ripped Skater jeans???

Pure white Calvin Klein briefs...FML!

Major Points I conclude with (there are more but "brevity is the soul of wit"):

1. Voice and Movement are dying skills that need to be revived...so does the art of performing Shakespeare--it's not just about Iambic Pentameter or Rhyming Couplets, or quirky characters

2. There have to be stakes, consequences and reasons that drive people to do what they do

3. Relationships have to be real (between Claudius and Gertrude for example, or Hamlet and Ophelia)

4. Thinking on the line, does not mean "say the lines quickly and piss off to pub"--you still need to think about what you're saying...

Swimming in a Tsunami of Fate's Making...

Wow...I have real problems accepting change when it comes as a result of an outcome I had not previously considered...

Such is the situation I now find myself in: abandoning an original course of action in favor of an alternative I was convinced I'd never be presented with.

Am I happy about this?  It's been two weeks since the offer was made and I am as uncertain about my decision as I was two weeks ago...

Everyone has something to say--something they want me to consider, a point of view they need me to take into account...

I'm not happy...I haven't been happy for a while...maybe a decade--and even then the feeling of happiness only lasted maybe a few days...sporadically placed in the span of three years...

What do you do when nothing gives you a sense of pleasure?  Is this considered depression?  I dunno...I've been depressed before--but I don't feel as though I'm sinking in quicksand...I feel as though I'm being held back...by inner and outer forces.

I am so bloody tired of not feeling inspired by what I'm doing!!!!!!  I'm starting to doubt I will ever feel inspired again--and blaming myself for feeling this way.

I'm getting told to "grow up", that I'm 35 this year and at some point I'm going to have to find direction in life and settle down...settle down to what????  Why are people who puport themselves to be my friends telling me to give up on what I've dreamed my whole life of achieving?  Why do I feel like the last ten years of my life have been viewed by many people in my life as wasted time??

What the fuck ever happened to encouraging loved ones to persue happiness and never give up on themselves?!  I do that for them, why can't they repay the favor?

Someone very close to me once said: "life is the search for a place to belong" -- they never said if finding it was the ultimate outcome...I don't know where I belong...I don't feel like I belong here--I feel like I'm treading water or running in place, but not getting even an inch away in a forward motion...how long am I supposed to endure this feeling for?

Yes, finally I have been offered a full time permanent accommodation--a day shift that people with 27 years seniority are still dreaming about while they stand by a machine at 3:30am.  People with kids, mortagages, cars, and spouses they barely see or have much use for anymore...

How do I know if staying here is the right decision for me?  I don't hear my heart saying anything to me...as though it's giving me the silent treatment for treating it so badly for so long...

My parents are completely devoid of empathy for my situation...they prefer instead to drill into my head that I have to think about my responsibilities and maybe getting my own place here and having my things and my cats with me is the best solution...why then do I not feel confident in that suggestion?  The last thing I want to do is go through the process of packing my crap up and driving my cats back to
O-town...what's wrong with that though?  I can still get my degree...it would just take longer than 16 months...it would take closer to 32...

I'm so tired of wasting time...granted I remember that the last two years I did everything I could to not waste time -- I wrote, I created, I travelled, I learned how to stand up for myself, I nursed myself back to reasonable health...but did I get a degree for doing all that?  Did I receive any kind of reward for demonstrating the indomitable spirit of humanity?  No.  And apparently because my situation has now changed I may get no satisfaction in seeing my oppressors get what's coming to them.

Even my ex is telling me to be reasonable in my expectations...I've been rubbing pennies together for so long, I forget what it feels like to not have that worry...

I've asked for signs...I was given a resounding "hold off they hand" with this new development (even tried canceling my cellphone and got pressured into keeping it) -- but what the hell to I have here besides a job that I've had to walk through hell to get??  I'm homesick, lonely, unsure of even myself let alone what I want...and life in general seems to be falling apart.

There's an election looming...my union is poised to go on strike at the end of next month...

Theatre in this city is no longer something that inspires me...it irks me...everytime I think about it I either wanna punch the wall or recite every speech in Hamlet as a way to express my dissatisfaction with the whole scene...I haven't worked as an actor in over almost a year...my soul has shrivelled up...I can't even tell where it is anymore.

Will this feeling of emptiness ever go away?  Stay or go, I will still have to live with myself...