Mad as Hell and Still Taking It!

I am fed full of the milk of human unkindness. To catch the nearest way...

Twelve years ago I was beginning my last year of theatre school...over the summer I had learned that Twelfth Night was going to be one of the shows performed by the 3rd years...I love Twelfth Night...more specifically I love the character of Viola (say it however you want, it's still the same character)...

I decided after watching other people "fight" for roles they wanted, that I would attempt to do it myself...I had never wanted or thought I would ever fight for a role but I wanted Viola bad enough I would make the effort.

I started watching what I ate, rode my bike for an hour every day, read the play and starting researching everything I could about the play and characters...until it was time to bring my desire to the table in the form of an impromptu meeting with my AD.

ME: "I wonder if you might considered me for the role of Viola in Twelfth Night."

AD: "Sure."

ME: "Great.  Thank you...is there anything you would like me to work on?"

AD: "What did you have in mind?"

ME: "I don't know....maybe look more like a leading lady?"

AD: "Yeah, that might help."

I never did get a confirmation that this wasn't all said in jest (maybe it was)...all I know is while eating a BLT in a bistro in Niagara-On-The-Lake, I was told in front of six other people that Twelfth Night had already been cast and my good friend Siobhain was getting the part of Viola...

I was getting the part of Hecate...

For those of you who don't know, Hecate is not a character in Twelfth Night...it's a character in Macbeth...

I don't want anyone to think that I'm bitter about this...I am NOT.  Siobhain did a fantastic job (and I dare say a better job) at the role of Viola and based on the direction the AD wanted to go, she was the perfect choice...as for Hecate, I nailed that bitch to the wall and would happily do so again (even if that character is disputed as being one not created by Shakespeare).

But this brings me to the nucleus of my argument---I am sick and tired of being told "NO".

I have been told NO by a lot of people...as I'm sure a lot of people have.  It's not a new thing and it's not specific to me.  I realize that...but this is my blog and if you want to share your own experiences with the word "NO" I suggest you write your own blog and express yourself--this is mine!

Now yes, you can argue I decided to persue a profession that hands out rejection like it's junk mail, but I'm not talking about rejection...rejection to me is the term applied to the faceless people I submit my aging headshot and resume too--or the mom and pop literary contests I am a sucker for.  I'm talking about the rest of the world having a love affair with the two letter word.

I was told "No" by my mother when I asked to participate in the Jump Rope for Heart program in Public School..."it's too much" was her excuse (I had heart surgery as a toddler).  Oddly enough, my mother was my biggest fan when I started singing in musical competitions (she still is)...

Now that I am over 30 those No's have been compounded.

I gave up the idea of making any money at theatre officially three years ago after returning to Toronto, the assumed capital of all things artistic...I didn't like the business aspect of the art form...and I couldn't stand living in Toronto...I didn't blame anyone for this decision but it was hard to accept...

And I am still having to explain my reasons for leaving the "centre of the world" to many people who can't understand why a person who is so passionate about Theatre would not want to live in the Canadian Mecca of so-called Performance Art.

I suppose parents can't tell their kids to not chase after their dreams.  But I wish someone had sat me down and sobered me up about it.  I believed that if you wanted something bad enough, if you worked as hard as you could and didn't give up, you would achieve your dreams.  As yet, this hasn't happened.  Sure I've had glimpses of success in my professional life but I thought by now (and I suspect my family and friends did too) that I would be farther ahead on this road less taken.

Shit happens...yes it does...and when it rains, it pours...yes it does.

But what I haven't mentioned until now, is the idea of ENCOURAGEMENT.

My dad used to say the best thing a teacher can do to help a student is: Encouragement

I don't know what it is but it seems like as soon as I hit adulthood, I was no longer entitled to encouragement. This has been replaced by DIScouragement.

1. Discouragement at getting a Post Secondary education in a dying art (Theatre)
2. Discouragement in the places I choose to live (Toronto, Parry Sound, Ottawa, London)
3. Discouragement at having my own works produced/published
4. Discouragement at leaving a job in exchange for another opportunity (like travel)
5. Discouragement at trying to succeed in Show Business at my age and through my interests
6. Discouragement that finishing my degree will bring me greater opportunity--instead only debt
7. Discouragement that my employer will be held accountable for the treatment I have received
8. Discouragement that life gets any better

This list is endless--and it shouldn't be!

I get helpful advice that begins with: "if I were you", or "if you want my advice", or "you're too emotional", or "you have to be reasonable".

I AM SICK AND TIRED OF THIS MENTALITY.

I rarely give discouraging remarks to people--unless it has to do with relationships where my friends are being taken advantage of by people they love and then I cautiously give an opposing view.

There is a reason I suffer from depression.  It's not because I have poet-like tendencies, or that I'm an artist with many demons -- at least not entirely.  It's because people in this world are not happy in their own lives and have stopped hearing what they say to other people--their loved ones, their friends, co-workers, perfect strangers.

Criticism...I love "constructive" criticism.  However I believe this should be a course taught in High Schools everywhere because it seems to me in my experience when I ask for criticism, it rarely is constructive.

"Don't bother"..."it's a script but not a good script"..."Do you even know what you're doing?"..."You're going to have to start again, only smaller"..."It's good, but not good enough".

Seriously, how does anyone get anything done in this world with this kind of feedback?  If you don't like something fine, but tell me what you did like...tell me how it could be better...go the distance and complete the criticism because if you keep telling someone "it's crap" enough times, they're gonna start believing it.

Then when you do listen to these people, you find they are never satisfied and no matter what you do to try and please them, they will never be.  But in the meantime, you start to believe your work isn't very good... This has happened to me and I suspect it's happened to many of you.

I think part of the problem is, people have begun to equate encouragement with sympathy.

They are not the same things and their connotations couldn't be more opposing.

I hate sympathy...I hated it when I was sixteen and I hate it now...it does nothing but keep a person in the quicksand they're in and gives them a false sense of martyrdom that adds fuel to their misery...this is NOT me.

Encouragement takes the burden of self doubt off the shoulders of a person and helps them continue on...it makes them smile, it sometimes makes them cry...it's a wonderful way to express your love and/or respect for someone.

It also makes the person giving the encouragement feel useful...because sometimes a person can feel helpless to help someone they love in a tough situation.

Encouragement doesn't cost anything.  Nor does it take much of an effort.  But the rewards have a rippling effect that can have amazing results.

So I ENCOURAGE everyone who reads this blog to put down the staff of discouragement and pick up the rod of encouragement and hold it out like Charleton Heston in the Ten Commandments--believe me, you will part rivers, slay dragons, and bring a smile to a world weary face.

"Numquam cedite, usque ad finem" and I won't either!

Cheerio Deerios!
The Beecharmer